"Self Conscious & Calculated"

"Self Conscious & Calculated"

It's a smooth design.. confused, like who am I?

Try n clear my head n I lose my mind

beating myself up daily no matter what pain it brings

striving to be flawless as the stone I'd set in your engagement ring

the way it seems.. either it's true

or perfection doesn't exist.. and, neither do you

yikes, what can I say?..

thought I'd write my own script, but man plans and God laughs

..life's funny that way

trying to modify my outlook by changin' up the lens

knowing it's not real, yet these reels keep playin' in my head

feeling blessed just to watch you grow happily

as I watch this dream I have go naturally

nothin's the same, but feel as if nothin has changed

going out of control before I'm stuck in my ways

say I'm belligerent.. say I'm insane

you say it's a coincidence, I'm sayin' it's fate

you know what time it is! doing anything to make a damn buck

but YOU JUST WATCH.. get out of pocket and they'll chain yo ass up!

we raise the henny chase'n pennies.. friends? there ain't as many

wishing I could change this empty.. feeling, the pain is heavy

thinkin' I'm strong holding back tears that could break a levee, so..

what I need to do is face this pain before it takes a deadly toll

feeling distant n strange.. sick, n I cringe from the pain

feeling different, livin' just isn't the same

so I stop n then I ask..

could I have stopped you in your tracks before the syringe in your vein?

..it gives and it takes

gives you misery and takes opportunities 

you probably wondering what the fuck it's gotta do with me?

I'm your fam showing love, THAT'S OBVIOUS

just wake the hell up, SNAP OUT OF IT!

never look down, let me make it clear for you

in ways I'm no better, but I'm here for you

life's bigger than the picture we see

I've lost many and someone who was like a sister to me

who's spirit animal was a dragonfly 

askin' why she had to die unsatisfied 

is this a Haven of a lie? are there angels in the sky?

as I'm waiting for maybe a reply

..pondering, trying to sort things

I look beside me and there's something flying with four wings

it's hard to reason with the nonsense that happens, see..

your outlook on life is how you process the agony

so know that shot after shot I will run through it

it's not that it doesn't hit hard, I'm just numb to it

looking for sunny days, while the rain's pourin'

epiphanies strike as I'm brainstorm'n 

gone through the strongest of weathers..

battled those storms, now I'm coming back healed, stronger than ever

- Chi Money